Where The Hell Is My Stargate?
by gawilliams
Summary: Episode addition to season 8's Endgame. Just how did Jack react upon finding the Gate missing? My own humorous take on that one.


_I was watching the season 8 episode, _Endgame_, where the Stargate disappears from the SGC and thought of this as an episode addition to see, in a humorous way, how Jack initially reacts to finding out that the main feature of his base is now MIA. I hope you enjoy this one. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Jack was in a good mood this morning. His truck was now in primo condition after spending three days with his mechanic who had done a complete inspection and tuneup, his favorite coffee from the coffee shop down the road from his house was in hand, and the weekend had been blissfully quiet without a peep from the SGC. In other words he was coming to work in a happy mood. The only thing that would make it more perfect was if Carter announced that she was dumping that pissant Shanahan and was ready to flush the frat regs down the toilet. That was unlikely to happen, so he was going to settle for gazing down on his Baby, namely the Stargate, and let the good times roll. It was almost better than sex. ALMOST. Nothing could beat the idea of hot, sweaty, monkey sex with Carter, which he still dreamed about almost nightly, along with fantasies of turning Spudboy into a permanent eunuch.

Jack rounded the corner into the conference room, where the blast shield was in place not allowing a view into the Gateroom. He always loved being able to do the honors himself and press the red button opening the blast doors covering the windows of the briefing room, allowing him his first look at his Baby in the morning. Call him a control freak, but he loved it. He'd even managed somehow to avoid seeing anyone this morning on his way to his office and briefing room. A record. Walter must be slipping. With a wide smile he pressed the all important button and the blast door slid up as he took a sip of his coffee, which he promptly spit out all over the window in front of him. It was GONE! His Baby! Gone! As in _**NOT**_ THERE! NOT WHERE IT IS _**SUPPOSED**_ TO BE!

Jack closed his eyes, shook his head, did a mental check to go over his weekend and make sure that he didn't do anything that was bringing on such horrifying hallucinations, then cracked one eye open staring down into the Gateroom. NOPE! Still not there. A big old empty space where his Baby was supposed to be sitting, ready to spin and go _KAWOOSH_. He turned his head and read the plaque on the door and assured himself that he was in the right room. Which meant he was in the right base and old missile silo.

"WALTER!" he bellowed in his best pissed off tone of voice.

"Hey, Jack," came Daniel's voice from the door of the conference room.

Jack turned to see his best friend standing there along with Carter. He saw their faces and knew that they were well aware of the calamity that had befallen their beloved leader.

"Sir," Carter said to him.

"Hey, Kids," Jack managed to muster out in a halfway normal tone of voice. "Strange thing. I came to work this morning, opened the blast doors, only to find out my Stargate is missing. Care to explain?"

"Uh, yeah, about that," Daniel began.

"No guessing, Daniel," Jack made a slashing motion with his hand. "Who's responsible? I want their sorry butts in my office right now so I can send them on their merry way to the South Pole for a year long survival course! _**After**_ which they can kiss their pensions goodbye!"

"Sgt. Harriman and Sgt. Mackenzie were on grave yard duty in the control room," Carter told him.

"Walter was on duty and let the Gate take a powder?" Jack asked incredulously. He decided to add in a real reaming about loyalty to The Man and duty and all that other malarkey when he chewed out Walter before sending his FORMER right hand man to the South Pole. "And just why weren't those two sounding the alarm and firing off what would need to be hundreds, if not _**thousands**_, of rounds at the sleaze buckets who got my Baby?"

"Shock?" Daniel suggested.

"Well you get to do the interview, Space Monkey, and find out what those two have been smoking which lets them stand around when the Gate is stolen from inside a maximum security facility," Jack ordered.

"Your _**Baby**_, Sir?" Carter asked, a brow raised in amusement.

Jack groaned, but ignored the jab. "Not going there, Carter," he told her. "Now do whatever magic it is you do, and find my Gate!"

_**One Hour Later**_

Jack walked into his office and looked at the ever present red phone and scowled back at Daniel who was still in the briefing room talking to Carter. He couldn't believe that Daniel had actually had the balls to remind him of the impending doom that would befall him. How the Hell do you actually tell your Commander-in-Chief that the _**only**_ piece of technology that allowed them to _**quickly**_ field the first lines of defense against the bad guys in the galaxy was now MIA? And that _**not a single**_ shot was fired to try and prevent said piece of technology from going missing? He just _**knew**_ that his retirement was going down the toilet over this one. But he _**wouldn't**_ go down alone. _**Oh, no!**_ If his pension was flushed, then Walter and Mackenzie were _**definitely**_ going to the poor house, too!

"Well, time to man up and let the _Prez_ know that we screwed the pooch on this one!" Jack muttered, casting one more pissed look Space Monkey's way. Too bad he couldn't let Daniel make the call. He'd love to see Space Monkey getting seriously reamed by the President. The brief thought of calling Hammond and letting _**him**_ tell the President the good news flitted across his mind, but he squelched that one real quick. He shuddered to think what Hammond would do to him if he dumped _**that**_ bucket of joy on him.

Jack picked up the receiver of the red phone and punched the button for the direct line to the President's office. "Good morning, Sir," he said in as cheery a voice as he could muster.

"_Jack!_" the jovial voice of Henry Hayes came over the line. "_So what's happening at the most important facility in the world this morning?_"

"Oh, you know," Jack tried to ease into it. "The usual. Picked up my truck from the shop, got my favorite coffee, got to work to find the Stargate vanished during the night..."

In the briefing room Carter and Daniel were watching Jack through the glass wall and saw Jack hold the phone away from his ear, looking at it as it it were pure poison and wincing occasionally.

"The President doesn't seem to be taking the news well," Daniel observed.

"No, he doesn't," Carter agreed. She saw Jack carefully place the receiver back on its base, and stand up. He came out, walking rather awkwardly, and joined them. "Problem, Sir?" she asked.

"_Ohhhh, yeaaaahhhhh_," Jack drawled in reply. "Find me my Gate, guys, and the rat bastards that took it. My pension is riding on this one." He paused and turned a minor glare on Daniel. "Thanks for the _**wonderful**_ advice, Space Monkey. Being _The Man_ is _**sooo**_ much fun! _**NOT!**_"

Jack turned on his heel and walked back over to his office, sneaking a quick peak at the Gate Room to see once more if this was simply a horrific nightmare instead of reality. Nope. It was real.

"Get Walter and Mackenzie in my office," he gruffly ordered over his shoulder as he entered his office. "I think it's time I had a little _**chat**_ with those two!"

_**Three Days Later**_

"Alright, Boys, you know the rules," Jack said as he gave his sternest glare at the two newly minted graveyard shift control room minions.

"Yes, Sir," Harriman said from his spot where his left had was cuffed to a metal ring on the edge of the control panel. There was enough chain length to allow him to do his job, but not get out of the seat and do anything other than his job.

"And they are?" Jack questioned.

"Rule number one, have weapons ready at all times," Sergeant Mackenzie said as he looked at the fully loaded P90 at his side and his holstered nine millimeter.

"Rule number two, shoot any and all persons attempting to tamper with the Gate," Walter Harriman said as he also looked at his P90 and nine millimeter.

"And the corollary?" Jack asked, now in full command mode.

"Shoot first and ask questions later," Harriman and Mackenzie said at the same time.

"Next?" Jack prompted.

"No coffee, or any other drink that we can't bring with us in our thermos or small cooler," Mackenzie intoned, looking at the small blue cooler at his feet. He was the one who got to say that rule since it had been his suggestion in the first place for he and Walter to get coffee when the Gate disappeared.

"Good," Jack said, satisfied that these two understood the rules. "Any questions?"

"How long will we be pulling double shifts?" Walter asked. He not only had to do his normal shift as the General's principal assistant, but also his second shift at night in the control room. Needless to say any semblance of a life outside the SGC was now a distant memory.

"Until I no longer have nightmares about losing my pension because you two let the Gate go AWOL without letting loose the Hounds of Hell," Jack said and then turned and left.

Harriman glared at Mackenzie. "Double shifts for the rest of our careers then," he said to the other man.

When Jack got into his truck he pulled out an encrypted iPod looking device that Carter had given him. Switching it on he got a real time video capture of the Gateroom. He smiled. Yep. His Baby was safe and sound. He knew it wasn't Harriman and Mackenzie's fault, but someone had to pay the Piper for almost causing the Base's _El Supremo_ to have a coronary, and these two were at the plate. Putting the truck in drive, he headed for home and a nice night's sleep. Now if only Carter would get rid of Spudboy and agree to toss the frat regs Jack would really be happy.

_A/N: Well, there it is. It was just a fun episode addition, but a lot of fun to write. I hope you all enjoyed it. I am working on a second chapter for _Jack's Vacation On Atlantis_ and should have it done sometime this coming week. Gregg._


End file.
